Rick Swartzentrover

06-19-1999

Today is my 38th birthday and as always I’m alone
  I can’t believe that I have survived a full 37 years in this world.
37 years of loneliness. 37 years of pain and rejection.
  37 years of second place hearts. Never first in anyone’s life.

 

Runner up friendships, understudy lovers, last place marriage.
  Rejected by everyone I ever loved. Used by most, forgotten by all.
Oh how I long to be number one in somebody’s, anybody’s life
  Third place to family, second to time, fourth on the schedule.

 

I wish I could see you but . . . Sorry I missed your . . .  Oh was today your . . .
  Polite ways of saying you‘re just not important to me.
Gifts with no thought, Oh just get him that and be done with it.
  Never what I want, never what I desire, never what I need

 

Cold hearted gifts from strangers masquerading as friends
  What I want, what I desire, what I need is simple
I just want to be loved. Not a cartoon caricature in someone’s past
  Not an inconvenience, not a “I have to”. Just important to someone

 

God once said “It is not good for man to be alone”
  He however forgot to make me my help mate.
Like a useless salt shaker after the pepper is broken
  I am stored in the dark back corner of life. Ignored, forgotten.

 

Oh to be broken and discarded instead of stored.
  37 years too many. I never asked to be born.
Surviving member of unborn twins
  One died in the womb. I die at birth

 

Why couldn’t I be the one in the ground?
  Why did I loose the coin toss?
Every day the same like lifeless drones in a sci-fi flick
  Never living, just surviving, waiting for my pain to stop

 

Lord, I only have one Birthday request this year
  May I please never see number 39!