A MAN OUGHT NOT TO CONSIDER HIMSELF WORTHY OF
CONSOLATION, BUT RATHER DESERVING OF CHASTISEMENT
THE DISCIPLE
LORD, I am not worthy of Your consolation or of any spiritual
visitation. Therefore, You treat me justly when You leave me poor and
desolate. For though I could shed a sea of tears, yet I should not be
worthy of Your consolation. Hence, I deserve only to be scourged and
punished because I have offended You often and grievously, and have
sinned greatly in many things. In all justice, therefore, I am not
worthy of any consolation.
But You, O gracious and merciful God, Who do not will that Your
works should perish, deign to console Your servant beyond all his
merit and above human measure, to show the riches of Your goodness
toward the vessels of mercy. For Your consolations are not like the
words of men.
What have I done, Lord, that You should confer on me any
heavenly comfort? I remember that I have done nothing good, but that I
have always been prone to sin and slow to amend. That is true. I
cannot deny it. If I said otherwise You would stand against me, and
there would be no one to defend me. What have I deserved for my sins
except hell and everlasting fire?
In truth, I confess that I am deserving of all scorn and
contempt. Neither is it fitting that I should be remembered among Your
devoted servants. And although it is hard for me to hear this, yet for
truth's sake I will allege my sins against myself, so that I may more
easily deserve to beg Your mercy. What shall I say, guilty as I am and
full of all confusion? My tongue can say nothing but this alone: "I
have sinned, O Lord, I have sinned; have mercy on me and pardon me.
Suffer me a little that I may pour out my grief, before I go to that
dark land that is covered with the shadow of death."
What do you especially demand of a guilty and wretched sinner,
except that he be contrite and humble himself for his sins? In true
sorrow and humility of heart hope of forgiveness is born, the troubled
conscience is reconciled, grace is found, man is preserved from the
wrath to come, and God and the penitent meet with a holy kiss.
To You, O Lord, humble sorrow for sins is an acceptable
sacrifice, a sacrifice far sweeter than the perfume of incense. This
is also the pleasing ointment which You would have poured upon Your
sacred feet, for a contrite and humble heart You have never despised.
Here is a place of refuge from the force of the enemy's anger. Here is
amended and washed away whatever defilement has been contracted
elsewhere. |
That a man ought not to reckon himself worthy of
consolation, but more worthy of chastisement
O Lord, I am not worthy of Thy consolation, nor
of any spiritual visitation; and therefore Thou dealest justly with
me, when Thou leavest me poor and desolate. For if I were able to
pour forth tears like the sea, still should I not be worthy of Thy
consolation. Therefore am I nothing worthy save to be scourged and
punished, because I have grievously and many a time offended Thee, and
in many things have greatly sinned. Therefore, true account being
taken, I am not worthy even of the least of Thy consolations. But
Thou, gracious and merciful God, who willest not that Thy works should
perish, to show forth the riches of Thy mercy upon the vessels of
mercy,(1) vouchsafest even beyond all his own deserving, to comfort
Thy servant above the measure of mankind. For Thy consolations are
not like unto the discoursings of men.
2. What have I done, O Lord, that Thou shouldst
bestow any heavenly comfort upon me? I remember not that I have done
any good, but have been ever prone to sin and slow to amendment. It
is true and I cannot deny it. If I should say otherwise, Thou wouldst
rise up against me, and there would be none to defend me. What have I
deserved for my sins but hell and everlasting fire? In very truth I
confess that I am worthy of all scorn and contempt, nor is it fit that
I should be remembered among Thy faithful servants. And although I be
unwilling to hear this, nevertheless I will for the Truth's sake,
accuse myself of my sins, that the more readily I may prevail to be
accounted worthy of Thy mercy.
3. What shall I say, guilty that I am and filled
with confusion? I have no mouth to utter, unless it be this word
alone, "I have sinned, Lord, I have sinned; have mercy upon me,
forgive me." Let me alone, that I may take comfort a little before I
go whence I shall not return even to the land of darkness and the
shadow of death.(2) What dost Thou so much require of a guilty and
miserable sinner, as that he be contrite, and humble himself for his
sins? In true contrition and humiliation of heart is begotten the
hope of pardon, the troubled conscience is reconciled, lost grace is
recovered, a man is preserved from the wrath to come, and God and the
penitent soul hasten to meet each other with a holy kiss.(3)
4. The humble contrition of sinners is an
acceptable sacrifice unto Thee, O Lord, sending forth a smell sweeter
far in Thy sight than the incense. This also is that pleasant
ointment which Thou wouldst have poured upon Thy sacred feet, for a
broken and contrite heart Thou hast never despised.(4) There is the
place of refuge from the wrathful countenance of the enemy. There is
amended and washed away whatsoever evil hath elsewhere been
contracted. |