CONFESSING OUR WEAKNESS IN THE MISERIES OF LIFE
THE DISCIPLE
I WILL bring witness against myself to my injustice, and to
You, O Lord, I will confess my weakness.
Often it is a small thing that makes me downcast and sad. I
propose to act bravely, but when even a small temptation comes I find
myself in great straits. Sometimes it is the merest trifle which gives
rise to grievous temptations. When I think myself somewhat safe and
when I am not expecting it, I frequently find myself almost overcome
by a slight wind. Look, therefore, Lord, at my lowliness and frailty
which You know so well. Have mercy on me and snatch me out of the mire
that I may not be caught in it and may not remain forever utterly
despondent.
That I am so prone to fall and so weak in resisting my passions
oppresses me frequently and confounds me in Your sight. While I do not
fully consent to them, still their assault is very troublesome and
grievous to me, and it wearies me exceedingly thus to live in daily
strife. Yet from the fact that abominable fancies rush in upon me much
more easily than they leave, my weakness becomes clear to me.
Oh that You, most mighty God of Israel, zealous Lover of
faithful souls, would consider the labor and sorrow of Your servant,
and assist him in all his undertakings! Strengthen me with heavenly
courage lest the outer man, the miserable flesh, against which I shall
be obliged to fight so long as I draw a breath in this wretched life
and which is not yet subjected to the spirit, prevail and dominate me.
Alas! What sort of life is this, from which troubles and
miseries are never absent, where all things are full of snares and
enemies? For when one trouble or temptation leaves, another comes.
Indeed, even while the first conflict is still raging, many others
begin unexpectedly. How is it possible to love a life that has such
great bitterness, that is subject to so many calamities and miseries?
Indeed, how can it even be called life when it begets so many deaths
and plagues? And yet, it is loved, and many seek their delight in it.
Many persons often blame the world for being false and vain,
yet do not readily give it up because the desires of the flesh have
such great power. Some things draw them to love the world, others make
them despise it. The lust of the flesh, the desire of the eyes, and
the pride of life lead to love, while the pains and miseries, which
are the just consequences of those things, beget hatred and weariness
of the world.
Vicious pleasure overcomes the soul that is given to the world.
She thinks that there are delights beneath these thorns, because she
has never seen or tasted the sweetness of God or the internal delight
of virtue. They, on the other hand, who entirely despise the world and
seek to live for God under the rule of holy discipline, are not
ignorant of the divine sweetness promised to those who truly renounce
the world. They see clearly how gravely the world errs, and in how
many ways it deceives. |
Of confession of our infirmity and of the miseries
of this life
I will acknowledge my sin unto Thee;(1) I will
confess to Thee, Lord, my infirmity. It is often a small thing which
casteth me down and maketh me sad. I resolve that I will act bravely,
but when a little temptation cometh, immediately I am in a great
strait. Wonderfully small sometimes is the matter whence a grievous
temptation cometh, and whilst I imagine myself safe for a little
space; when I am not considering, I find myself often almost overcome
by a little puff of wind.
2. Behold, therefore, O Lord, my humility and my
frailty, which is altogether known to Thee. Be merciful unto me, and
draw me out of the mire that I sink not,(2) lest I ever remain cast
down. This is what frequently throweth me backward and confoundeth me
before Thee, that I am so liable to fall, so weak to resist my
passions. And though their assault is not altogether according to my
will, it is violent and grievous, and it altogether wearieth me to
live thus daily in conflict. Herein is my infirmity made known to me,
that hateful fancies always rush in far more easily than they depart.
3. Oh that Thou, most mighty God of Israel, Lover
of all faithful souls, wouldst look upon the labour and sorrow of Thy
servant, and give him help in all things whereunto he striveth.
Strengthen me with heavenly fortitude, lest the old man, this
miserable flesh, not being yet fully subdued to the spirit, prevail to
rule over me; against which I ought to strive so long as I remain in
this most miserable life. Oh what a life is this, where tribulations
and miseries cease not, where all things are full of snares and of
enemies, for when one tribulation or temptation goeth, another cometh,
yea, while the former conflict is yet raging others come more in
number and unexpected.
4. And how can the life of man be loved, seeing
that it hath so many bitter things, that it is subjected to so many
calamities and miseries. How can it be even called life, when it
produces so many deaths and plagues? The world is often reproached
because it is deceitful and vain, yet notwithstanding it is not easily
given up, because the lusts of the flesh have too much rule over it.
Some draw us to love, some to hate. The lust of the flesh, the lust
of the eyes, and the pride of life, these draw to love of the world;
but the punishments and miseries which righteously follow these
things, bring forth hatred of the world and weariness.
5. But, alas! an evil desire conquereth a mind
given to the world, and thinketh it happiness to be under the
nettles(3) because it savoureth not nor perceiveth the sweetness of
God nor the inward gracefulness of virtue. But they who perfectly
despise the world and strive to live unto God in holy discipline,
these are not ignorant of the divine sweetness promised to all who
truly deny themselves and see clearly how grievously the world erreth,
and in how many ways it is deceived. |